Well, Finally... Damien and I seem not to be on speaking terms anymore. I was trying to do the whole "friends" thing, but apparently that wouldn't work. He wanted more, and... still kept lying to me. How could I have been a fool for so long is mind boggling. Michael was not cool with us speaking, and it was getting in the way of mine and his relationship. Michael is soooo good to me, he is not worth losing over some drama shit like this. Damien started saying crap about me, and trying to break up friendships b/c he didn't want me being friends with his friends. WTF? You are 28. Then on myspace, he ass this 17 year old who is a junior in high school that he doesn't know, and adds this girl that he used to sleep with, when she had just turned 18 and he was 27. Creeper. I finally had enough of it. I told him that if he really cares he will stop contacting me. I deleted him off of myspace, yadda yadda yadda. So what does he do? He makes a facebook. I stopped using myspace b/c of dame. So now, he can see when I write on mutual friends walls and blah blah blah. Enough already.

In other news, I'm a graduate student!!!!!! Classes started and I'm doing pretty well in them. I've also became the president of EMU's chapter of NSSLHA. That is the national student speech language hearing association. I'm pretty excited. Im also going to the ASHA convention this year. ASHA being the American Speech Language Hearing Association. It will be held in New Orleans the weekend before thanksgiving. I'm so excited. I've never been to asha or New Orleans before. I'm sooo going to a voodoo shop, hahaha.

Tomorrow I get to meet Michael's sister Sarah. She lives in TN and wants to meet up. I hope she is nice. Last weekend we made fresh Apple Cider and the weekend before that I took him to Ren Fest for an early birthday surprise.

I also might be getting a job at a chocolate shoppe. I'm so sick of serving, and Im not the biggest fan of chocolate so I wont eat it all... so it sounds quite appealing. The interview is friday.

So yeah, that's all I feel like writing for now.

Miss you all.

Well, most of you should have received an email from me updating you on my life. I've been busy backpacking and learning how to rock climb. I finally know where we are going backpacking. "We found a loop trail in Shenandoah National Park which sounds amazing. It's part of the Appalachian Trail, in Virginia, about 9 hours away."

Kim, from class wrote me. It looks like we are going to the American speech language hearing association (ASHA) this november. We are going to try volunteer to get a cheaper rate. It's in New Orleans this year. I've never been. So, I hope it will be fun. Plus, I don't have to worry about missing class, usually the professors in the program go too!

I had my fourth of july party and it was a hit. Pictures are up on fb and myspace.
Mostly, I've been trying to relax and pay off the new car. Slowly... but I'm doing it lol. I'm excited to start school again. First time I've said that lol.

So yeah, life as been on the up and ups.

Miss you.
<3 Me

We finally broke up. Again, this time forever. I found out the last time we had "Broken up" less than 12 hours he was contacting a girl he used to have sex with (the one he cheated on his ex with) to have sex with her. His words "to secure a booty call". So I just havent felt the same about him. He cancels plans, breaks promises, and lets face it he isn't marriage material, so why even waste my time? I'm starting grad school, bought a new car, I need someone who wants the same things out of life at me. I need to stop waisting my time. All he wants to do out of life is play videogames and smoke pot, I want more. Damien, knew I had been distant but of course after all the lies who wouldn't be? Plus, he took things my mom said and turned them around to try to get my mom and I to fight. My parents have been over the whole idea of us for awhile.

So, I told him we were done and hung up. When I called him back he said you're right, we're over and hung up.

I'm not even mad.

and lets be honest, I havent been completely faithful to him. Mind you, I didn't sleep with anyone else but I've started getting feelings for one of my friends. We have plans to go to game 5 this saturday (I'm soooooo excited). So yeah, that's that situation. I feel good. I hadnt been happy for awhile. He never was happy for my sucesses. He told me he was jealous of me and I just became bitter and jaded. So meh, better do it at 10 months than after 5 years and still not getting what I want.

oh, and anyone who tells me that don't care about people to the point they hate them... should be a red flag.


<3

Born 4.27.1993
Came home on 6.5.1993
Lived to be 16 years old
Died 5.16.2009

She had been really sick. She stopped eating, again. She wanted to live, but her body didn't want her to. I believe she had a brain tumor. She would have starved herself to death.
I came home on friday after work, and she had more seizures.
My mum and I took her to the vet and by 1:07 in the morning she was dead. We put her down. I was the last one, besides the vet, to hold her alive. We buried her in our backyard at 10:00 in the morning on Sat. She always loved being outside on a certain part of the grass.
I've cried so much. I've never loved something this much. More than a boy, thats for sure.
I have no voice because of it now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you and I always will.

<3

So among graduation with my B.S. In speech language and registering for Fall class I've became sick.

During finals I started noticing blood in my stool. I had to get to my normal docs and she checked me out. She is aware I don't eat spicy food, meat, and my intake of caffeine is slim to none so she knew my diet wasn't causing the problem. I also told her I had been having upper abdomen pain. I then was sent to a radiology clinic where they took xrays and used fluroscopy imaging. They discovered a 12 mm lesion in my big intestine. So now I have to go to wyandotte hospital, be put to sleep, and have another procedure done to remove it, if possible and have a biopsy done.
Every time this happens I have to clean out my system by using laxatives and suppositories. Ew. I'm also having things shoved up my butt and that alone hurts like hell.

Anyway, let's hope that its nothing too major and that I won't be in anymore pain. I'm only 21. Far too young for this crap. I am losing weight because of it, lol. Bright side of things.

New subject, dame and I are still seeing each other. We have been. I'll update with news on that later in a friends post.

Well it's nearing one. Time for sleep.

<3

Well, Damien and I broke up.
He is sick of the fighting, I'm sick of the lies.

He lies about stupid crap every other day.
He does me what he thinks I want to hear just to make me happy.

He lies to everyone.
He doesn't want a clean cut lifestyle.
He cheats on his girlfriends.
If he does it to one girl, why wouldn't he do it to others? Exactly.
His past involves: drugs, lies, cheating, stealing.

I shouldn't have to try to change someone.

He loves me and I him, but we cant get along.
At least I wont have to be insecure about us anymore, or be filled with doubt.
I wouldn't fight with him if I could trust him.

Oh well. Another chapter closed.

I was accepted into grad school. I'm attending Eastern Michigan University for my course and fieldwork. I'm so excited. The program only accepts 25 people for the speech language pathology program and I didnt think I was going to get in!!! I was so scared. Plus, there are only 5 schools in Michigan that have SLP programs. UofM doesn't even have one... which is funny because b/c they have an aphasia clinic. Meh?

So anyway, I walk on the 26th!!! That is only 10 days away. The following weekend (may 1st, 2nd, and 3rd) I shall be in New York in Damien and his band. The following weekend is my birthday weekend. I think for part of it I'll be working the Tri State Laryngectomee conference and then taken off on another vacation. Should be amazing.

Anywho, thought I would give you an update. Life has been going well. I had a biopsy and so did my mother and we both found out (on different days) that neither of us have cancer. That was a relief. Also, my grandparents are coming up from FL for my graduation so it should be a good time held by all.

Miss you all terribly,
<3 me.

I worked the Michigan Speech Language Association Conference today. It was really fun.

I'm leaving in a few hours to go to Atlanta, GA.
Going to the world of Coke a cola
and the Georgia aquarium, Worlds largest aquarium.


Should be fun!!!!

Ill be back in a few days.

Things between Damien and I have not been well. I've been feeling suffocated by his insecurities. For the longest time, we have been having stupid, petty, fights. He decided to quit smoking at the beginning of the year. He finally breaks down and tells me he's been lying to me for the last month. Then tells me that he doesn't think he is ready for a serious relationship. Then he tells me he wants to start smoking pot again. I felt horrible by all this. He had said he had wanted to date me so much that he started changing who he was to convince me to date him. I told him "the smoking doesn't matter, nothing matters. I just want you, I accept you". We talked a little before I went into work and he told me that I had to right idea and that seeing each other everyday was most likely a bad thing. Well no crap. Anyway, I started thinking about it more. I don't want someone who wants to be a pothead when they haven't been in our entire relationship. I just don't want that for myself. He also had been telling me a lot of white lies. I guess he is used to doing that with people. Well, I'm smart and catch on quick. I started thinking about what if we weren't together? I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I would no longer have all these questions and concerns filling my mind about him. I can just be myself again.

So, I'm torn. He says friday was a fluke and he was just being dumb. He's just scared of growing up, scared of being a failure, of letting me down. I said I'm not going to be down with pot. He said he wont. I just feel that could lead to more lies. It isn't the pot I have a problem with, it's the whole not being straight forward about it. Anyway, he said he had just been doubting us because we had been fighting. Well, if he had stopped, he would have noticed it had stopped.

So now I'm left with a choice. He wants everything to just go back to normal. For us to be good with each other. I need to figure out if I want that. Last time he freaked out I couldn't forgive him (remember September?). Will I be able to move on from this, to trust him again? Or am I just lying to myself?

::sigh::

I helped him move in yesterday after work. I bought him a whole fridge full of groceries, helped him pick out bathroom stuff and then decorated it. I also bought all his dishes/glasses/ away. My mom says he's just freaking out because he's never lived on his own. It is time for him to grow up though. He will soon be 28. The question is can he do it? I know he loves me, but is that enough for us?

Too many questions.

My mom is doing better. Thanks for caring.

I figured I would write a little update on my life. It's silly that I don't feel the urge to write as often as I used to.

My mom had to go into the hospital this past weekend. That had me stressed out, a lot. One of her arteries was clogged at 90%. The rest were clear. She thought she was having a heart attack and woke me up. She was having shoulder and back pain. I told her she needs to get to the hospital. They can check her oxygen level there, give her an EKG and also check for the PK levels in her blood. I did take her blood pressure and it was on the high side (145/74). Well the shoulder pain was completely unrelated. But yeah, that was my weekend.

Last Thursday I did manage to take my GRE again. That is my test to get into grad school. I didn't study for it. Instead I went to my buddy pookies place and play beer pong the night before the test. That morning I did amazing. Like, really amazing. I'm sure I just secured my spot into grad school. That made me feel a tad bit better. I keep getting letters from different universities, and that makes me feel better.

I stopped eating meat all together a few months ago again. Most of you knew I didn't really eat meat anyway. Well, I got a craving for sloppy joes. Oh no! right? Wrong. I made veggie sloppy joes last night. My buddy Bill came home, and stole some. When I told him it was meatless, he was surprised. It made me happy. I said the protein is good for your heart.

Other than that, I've just been trying to have fun. A couple weeks back I went with Katie O to Luna for 80's night and had a blast. Heros started again. It was amazing last night. Damien and I are great. Sure, we have our spats but that's my fault. I get scared of breaking my heart but even if I left him b/c I'm scared, it would hurt just as bad. We had been planning on going away on my spring break but if we did the day we got back he would have to move. His lease is up the beginning of March. Where would be the time to pack? Exactly. So I said lets just push it back. I finish school in April, so lets just go then. I really want to go to HI so... maybe there? It could be a birthday present to me.

Anyway, so yeah Damien is moving. He wants me to move out with him but I just think it's still too soon. We are trying to get him a 6 months lease. He is saving up for a house. I said perhaps in 6 months then I shall move out with you. It's crazy. I can really see myself with this guy. I haven’t treated him like he should have been treated but he's stuck through. He just sees something in me. He thinks I'm worth it, so why shouldn't I? He hasn't been the best person in the past but what he did in his past shouldn't matter. What matters is how he treats me. It's silly that I have to keep reminding myself this, but I've dated some assholes in my life. I sometimes feel that I don't deserve to be treated well. But maybe, just maybe... I do.
I always keep him at a distance. Ive kept everyone at a distance. It's like that silly saying: "'some people build walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down".


I know that I’ve got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too.

Not only did my grandpa die today, so did my great grandma (106), that lives(d) in KY.

My grandma also has been rushed to the hospital.


plus... my father's -sister in law's dad- also had a stroke.


This girl just can't seem to get a break.

My grandpa just died this morning.

Merry xmas.

Well first and foremost my doggy has started having seizures. Shes 15.5 years old. She has lived past what is typical for her breed. Death is a natural part of life. It is still sad. I've been helping my mom a lot. I think it helps her to have me calm her some. When the dog had her first seizure my mom thought she had had a stroke and didnt know what to do. I told her to give her some asprin. I think I have a calming affect on my mom and that is what she needs. Anyhow, today they took the puppy to nicoles vet (our vet is out of town). They gave the doggy two different drugs which are anti-convulsent medications. So pretty much, shes drugged till her body gets used to them. I think she has a tumor. Animals and people dont just start having seizures after 15.5 years of life. (Yes, I am aware that I have had 4 seizures starting when I was 16 for no known reason but that isn't typical). To have a MRI done it will cost $3,000. And if they do find something, they being the doctors, will they actually do surgery on a dog this old? Quite unlikely. So... that's been on my mind.


I finished finals. I ended up earning 3 A's, A-, B+, and a B- (in a 2 credit audiology class- hard as heck).
I earned a 3.67 this semester. Not too bad for 17 credit hours. That tuesday I finished school and partied. Pictures are on myspace.

Damien and I have been doing well. We started making a gingerbread house and I have yet to finish it. I call it a halfway house. hahahaha
I also made stocking for him and his cat and bill. Bill helpped me to hang them from the fireplace, yay.
:)
Damien is still head of heels for me and he tries so hard. Mike (my ex) has been in town. He told me he wants to get with me. No, not like sex. Like be in a relationship with me. Hold me every night type thing. Ive been very honest with Dame how I feel but I do still want to be friends with mike. I'm proud of myself for not lying to either of them.
If anything this will just make me and Damien stronger. I also justify it by what happened in september but at least damien knows where I'm coming from, so thats good.

So, just a brief update. I'll write more late but I'm pressed on time. I'm about to make two different kinds of cheesecake from scratch. Wish me luck.

I miss you all. I do log on almost everyday and read your journals.

<333 Amy Lee

who the hell gets strep throat and tonsillitis at the same time?
I do.
Im in a lot of pain right now.

my gums are even swollen. And My lymph nodes in my neck.

Poor me.

Why can I give such great advice... But when it comes to living it, I suck at it

My grandfather is dying. I got the call today. Well first my uncle Mike called. He never does. He asked for my parents. I informed him that they were visiting Cheri's parents in FL. I asked him whats going on and he said just to have darrell give him a call when he comes back. Of course I call my Dad and tell him to call Mike. My mom calls me and tells me that papaw had a massive heart attack. There is nothing that they can do. They meaning the doctors. They are afraid that if they were to operate that he would die on the table. He has 4 main blocks to his heart. They give him a couple a days, a few weeks, perhaps even a couple months. It's the worst this doctor has ever seen. Anyway, the point is he has dying. He is 85. Sure, he has lived a long life, but keep in mind his mother is 106. Anyway, I know death happens to everyone but Ive never had someone that close (thats family) die. The hardest part is that my dad is so torn up about it and he can't even go see his dad because of the whole FL thing. I talked to my dad, tried not to choke up, all that Jazz. I feel like I must be strong for him. I told him, at least he will be home when it happens (for they will release him on Saturday) and that he has lived a fulfilling life but you know what... for myself, dont you dare tell me that shit. Save that crap for the birds. I dont want to hear it. They arent telling my grandfather the news of what is going on. He just thinks he fell down the stairs.  Mind you he has atomizers so it would upset him and he might not understand... it might put too much stress on his heart, perhaps. I think I would still want to know. I dont know. I dont understand why my uncle just didnt tell me, just said when your dad gets back to call him. Fucker.


Other news, I had a flat the other day and had to change it at midnight. Damien brought me a better jack. He then started to change it. It made me upset. I know he was just trying to help but I can do things on my own. I ended up changing it.
I applied to grad school at Eastern a couple days ago. I guess Ill try Wayne state, University of Toledo, and Western. Wish me luck. I take my grad school test in less than 10 days. I havent studied too much, but I did learn 70 new words yesterday... and they've stuck. I'm nervous. If I dont get in somewhere, I'm screwed. If I get into Western, Ill move. Damien said he'll come with... but I think thats too much commitment that this kind of girl is ready for. One step at a day I suppose. We will see how I feel after the test.

Its sort of sad that he'll never get to be a great papaw to my kids.

Anyway yeah.
You'll be buried in the clothes that you've never wore.
Its over... let it go.

sometimes I fake how i feel.
It's silly.
I don't do it often.
Sometimes, I just do things to fit into social norms.


I'm only doing an injustice to myself.

I still can't believe it. It was almost double. I'm hoping this doesn't start up more racism. I think it might.

Also, i do feel like a lot of people came out and voted when they werent knowledgable. It isn't right. There should be a test or something. You shouldn't vote for a black man just because you're black... just as i shouldnt vote for someone just because they are white.

Anyhow, these are my feelings and I needed to get them down on paper. I only feel this way because of the people I talked to while I was in line waiting too vote.


either way, congrats Obama. 

A - Age: Twently-one
B - Band- I love BNL, Jacks mannequin, The dresden dolls, cake...
C - Career Future: Speech language pathologist-ccc.
D - Dad's Name: Darrell
E - Easiest Person to Talk To: Steven, nicole
F - Favorite Type of Shoe: Flip flops. 
G - Grapes or Grapefruit: Grapes.
H - Hometown: Taylor/
I - Instrumental Talent: Tuba and saxaphone.  A little bit of clarinet. Also, I'm amazing at writing little jingles.
J - Juice of Choice: Apple or grape juice.
K - Koala Bear or Panda Bear - Panda! Koala bears arent real bears.
L - Longest Car Ride Ever: Up north to Michigan Tech with Valentine and the band.
M - Middle Name: Lee.
N - Number of Jobs Had: 1- retail at joann Fabrics, 5- Server gigs.
O - OCD Traits: Too many to list.
P - Phobia[s]: Water on my face.

Q - Quote: The first one that comes to mind is "if you keep your face to the sunshine you can never see the shadows". Mind you this isn't my life motto. 
 

R - Reasons to Smile: Heros is on tonight. It's the little things.
S - Song You Sang Last: I'm sure a random one I made up.
T - Time You Wake Up: Late.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I really have a thing for cops.
V - Vegetable You Hate:  Baked potatoes.
W - Worst Habit:I worry a lot.
X - X-Rays You've Had: My left knee a few times. Also my right hand.
Y - Yummiest Food Your Body Likes: Fruit.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Taurus.